7/29/05

Went to Homes Beach on Anna Maria Island. My family rented an adorable little house for a few days. Its very shabby chic looking with old doors and pretty exposed wood beams. We also have a private pool with it and I get my own room with a very comfy bed to myself with a cozy down comforter. I'm in heaven! My mom drove me crazy in the pool tonight. She kept on asking me about guys, trying to set me up with boys. Asking me about kids and marriage. She actually asked me if I planned to die a virgin! Just because I haven't met the guy I am suppost to marry at 15 like her, she all a sudden considers me to be a desperate old maid. I told her she makes me upset when she talks about that sort of thing, because it makes me feel like she thinks I am unsatisfactory and the best I can do in life is find a man and reproduce. She said she didn't mean it that way, but that is how it comes across.

Why do people have to be so old-fashioned (like my mom and my grandparents). We are in a new millenium. Don't they want me to achieve on my own? I'm smarter than the majority of guys at my school. Come on they all cheat off of me! Condoleesa Rice is the Secretary of State, don't they see more potential for me than hiding behind a man?

My mom threw a fit at the people at Walgreens for not giving her Zoloft. They must have been blind, you could see that she needed it. We went to grab subs at Subway. Wheat bread, roast beef, swiss cheese, onions, lettuce, pickles, banana peppers, honey mustard, mayo, salt, pepper, oil and vinegar. Can't get much better than that.

I sat there and read Sports Illustrated, an article about Maria Sharapovia, one awesome tennis chick who still looks beautiful even while sweating buckets. I should get some cute tennis dresses and skirts so I can look good while hitting the ball too. Hopefully next years uniforms won't be skanky see-through. The S. Land coach said I improved over the summer. I hope he's right, but I do think I'm putting more spin on the ball and following through more.

While we were at Subway, Dad went to grab some gas because the Suburban was on E. He ended up going to the closest gas station to find it closed, then picked up a homeless crack-head who lives on the beach to show him the next closest one. Then he stalled out, had to pull over and walk to the gas station to buy an oil can. Then he hitched a ride back to the car. Pretty crazy! Huh!

Oh in the car my dad started asking me about colleges. I looked some up online and took virtual tours of USF, FGCU and FIU. FGCU looks kinda boring. Miami and Boca sound like great places to live. Dad says location is a problem. Why beautiful beaches? He says Miami-Dade people have less morals and are bad. Every college is full of partiers no matter where you go, besides the people I've met from that area are really open and accepting unlike the snobby or sleezy people from my hometown. He just wants me to go to FSU because I'll be close to them when they move to Georgia.

7/28/05

Missed playing tennis with the S. Land girls. I really am going to be sad not seeing them, but I will not cry because I am the only female on the planet who is emotionally deprived. Life is rough, suck it up. I had to babysit, because I basically am my sisters' free babysitter/2nd mommy. I have decided that I am never going to have kids. I've gotten my fill of babies at 15, 16, 17. I know I would have to really, really love some guy to have him talk me into a mess like that!

Yesterday me and Abigail went thrift store shopping. I found beautiful Italian handmade shoes in a size 37 (that's European) Ha! Your a' pee'n! Almost as funny as Uranus! Sorry, got a raunchy sense of humor. Guess about everyone does, that's why everyone except for parents love American Pie. Well, back to the shoes $5 at Goodwill, what a find! My mom called and talked to my manager at work (not right at all!) without my permission. Well I got out of work on Friday, but also out of money.

Called college board today to get them to give a report of my grade on the AP Eng. Lang/Comp test to the community college so that I have the pre-requisite for International Relations, which requires the AP Eng equivalent. International Relations sounds very interesting, maybe I'll understand CNN more deeply and get a great job traveling the world (like being a journalist for National Geographic)

Really would want to go to Venice. Italian shoes! Italian food! Italian guys! (forget local Italian guys like loser William, go for authentic ones with sexy accents).

Without going international the next place I want to go to is Miami. "Party in the city where the heat is on!..." Can't believe I've never been there when I live in Florida, it's not even leaving the state! The people I know from there are really nice. They are very accepting of everyone, which a lot of people in my town are not. I love to dance to Santana, Spanish music is amazing.

Several songs on the radio got me thinking today. The first was livin' in Beverly Hills, it reminded me of crazy Nathan and Lee on the mission trip, they kept on singing that fun song (good times). The second song just kinda reminded me of an embarrassing/disappointing part of my life. The song was Strawberry Wine, the girl was 17 and she had love, no not your relatives/girlfriends type of love, but romantically. I am 17 years old and I have never had a boyfriend, being a single senorita is not a bad thing if you had a boyfriend at least once before, but never and you are a loser. This valentines day I"m going to send all the guys at my school a card saying xoxo hugs and kisses, kisses as in kiss my ass, because no one ever pays attention to nice, hot, single girls like me and Nicole.

Oh, by the way my family is going to the beach and my mom thinks I need Zoloft because I have such a hard time calling people. After finally calling people I couldn't get anybody to go anyway. She things Zoloft is going to save the world of it's problems. Instead of making things better so people are less likely to be depressed let's give everyone happy pills. Sounds like propaganda to me.

7/21/05

Today I went to S. Land High School to play tennis. It was fun. Then I started to get ready for community college orientation. I started cleaning my room and doing my makeup, because William's name was on the list. When I got there I didn't know anyone. Those old ladies kept on bragging to each other about their kids. It was right in my ear and was starting to drive me crazy when William and Nicole came in. William looked somewhat happy to see me and came over. Nicole came and sat on the other side of me. Apparently she had been completely ignoring William on the walking tour because he was being "a total dork, like normal". That's the way the entire 2 hour orientation went. William introducing himself to the entire room and gipping supplies off the teacher. While Nicole is trying to get me to pay attention, William is being a dork and I'm trying to sketch the flag, because the teacher is boring me to death. I asked William if he wanted to go get some food, but he said he had to go get food at home. I'm starting to wonder what I even saw in that boy. He's crazy, not that good looking and doesn't really seem to like me much at all! Come on there has to be better fish in the sea.

7/20/05

Today has been crazy! Spent an enjoyable time with Lunch Bunch at the mall. Fun to hang out with Nallie and Veronica. Went to work tonight and the weirdest thing happened. This waitress walked by as I was clocking in and asked me to take the lid of the tea holder. I went to get it and so did Spencer. We were almost holding hands or something. His hand was on top of mine. He thought I had the lid, I thought he had the lid and then the lid fell with a very loud clatter onto one of the tea pitchers. The rest of the night it was so weird around Spencer and Luke. Luke kept on giving me these weird looks. I had seen the same weird look on someone else... The someone else is Greg Jones when he was in me and William's American History class. That look from both of those guys seems to communicate a lot of something. Who knows?

Tomorrow I'm going to S. Land High School to play tennis in the morning, then I am going to community college orientation. William's name was on the list, maybe I'll catch up with him. I looked Spencer up in the yearbook. He was a homecoming court person and an athletic captain. Pretty popular and good-looking guy, but I just can't seem to connect with him like I do William. When I talk to William everyone and everything suddenly disappears while we are talking except each other. Spencer does not have that effect on me.

7/15/05

It's Mom's birthday today. They seem like they are having fun at the House of Blues. Mom set up the cheerleading/soccer coach with my dad's business partner from Alabama. I went to work. There was a trainee there and it showed me how far I had come, I had to sit a party of 12 tonight. I drove to Books-A-Million at 12:00 a.m. tonight. They wouldn't give me a book without a voucher, so I bought one off this nice but weird guy dressed up like Draco Malfoy.

7/14/05

I am so confused. No one seems to be on the same wavelength as me. I do not believe I am behind or in front of them, just on a different trail. Some quote of Thoreau that I had to memorize from AP Eng. keeps coming up in my head. The one about the drummer. Most poets are crazy, but at least they are remembered. I want to be remembered. I talked to Natalie today or at least tried to. We really do not have anything in common anymore. It's like that with most of my old friends. We said we'd be friends forever and I will be forever friends with the old thems, the ones I used to play dolls with, but they are not the same people anymore and I'm not the same either.

We do not like the same movies or music. Natalie is a cheerleader and I am a tennis player. We do not go to the same school, so we don't see the same people. I do not enjoy going shopping with her, because she has plenty while I am mostly broke. I hate her racist comments, excuse me but I have friends that are black, Puerto Rican, Chinese, and yes I am friends with the Indian convenience store owner's daughter and one of my best guy friends just came out. Do not say anything to me that would offend them, because I also will be offended.

I really like her anyway. I hope things can go back, but I don't think they will. My relationship with Hannah is similar. I tried to hold onto our friendship much too long. She hurt me one too many times. So I let go and moved on. Now she says she really values my friendship, but I need her to prove that I can trust her. She got William Young to go to prom with me, and I am forever thankful for that, but after tearing a hole in cloth it takes more than one stitch to piece it back together and it can never be like new.

For some reason Nicole seems more distant too. I think it has more to do with herself than me though. I draw a blank when it comes to what it is, but such is life. My dear friend Iris is moving to Mississippi, even though she is so much younger than me she is great to talk to and a wonderful advice giver. It is too bad that she is moving after I have only been friends with her for about 6-7 months. I will miss her.

Abigail just got back Friday from Cheerleading camp. She is co-captain. She says she is going to make me popular when she gets to high school, but I do not want to be that. A country song I heard today said, " It's better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you are not." For now on I'm going to strive to be fully myself. Take it or leave it, love me or hate me. I want to find someone who understands that and me.

Well, William said "don't ever change." Well if I was smooth with words I would've said the same thing back, but I was mostly just soaking it all in. I want to talk to him, but I always think I'll call him tomorrow. I can't believe I told him about going bankrupt. I never even told some of my best girl friends that. For some reason I just feel like I can trust him.

The mission trip to Martin, KY went well. It was great to meet Nick Ramsey and hang out with Nathan. I really felt that I became much closer to several girls who go to our youth. We prayed together before bed every night, it was moving. We started our own Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. We, like the girls in the movie are all very different, but we have come with a common goal of growing closer to each other and God. The kids from Indiana were awesome, they showed us how cool other Christians can be. It makes me proud to be called Goody-Too-Shoes. Too bad school isn't like a mission trip, where everyone is positive, hardworking and comes together for a common cause.

By the way thank God for butterflies and lighting bugs, water, flowers and rain drops. Summer showers are a life saver. Just when it becomes so hot that I could shrivel up like the plants and I'm sticky with sweat I see those dark clouds. They are so beautiful. Then the drops come one by one refreshing everything like a cool glass of water.